I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
