i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
