Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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