Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
