My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
