I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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