dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
