The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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