420 ftw
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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