I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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