thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
