I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
