I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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