Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
