I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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