the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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