mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she pinky promised me she was 18
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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