If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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