In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
