im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
