i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
