Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
