When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
