It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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