K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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