what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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