I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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