Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
