Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
