i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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