just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
