giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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