You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
