it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
