I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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