You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize