Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
