You work out of a Hotel?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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