I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
