I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
