I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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