Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
