I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
