I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
