The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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