You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
