how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Less talking, more tequila
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
