White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Well I just put wine in my tea
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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