Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
