if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
