This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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