I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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