She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
