Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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