Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
