you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
