This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
