I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
All I want is dick and wine.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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