I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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