Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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