remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
