I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Send help, water and tortillas.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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