all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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