I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
