I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
