im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
