bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
