I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
