and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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