I can text with my tongue
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
