apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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